Sainsbury’s staff have revealed all the brutal things they want to say to customers – but can’t.
As one of Britain’s largest supermarkets, Sainsbury’s welcomes millions of customers each year, and employs thousands of staff to keep the aisles looking pristine.
Anyone who works in customer service will tell you it’s not always easy to deal with the public, and it can lead to some rather savage thoughts while scanning items at the till.
Now, former Sainsbury’s employees have revealed all the things they would have loved to say to you, reports Kent Live.
A version of this article was originally published in 2019 and the responses from supermarket workers are based on situations before the coronavirus pandemic.
No, it’s not free if it doesn’t scan
But good joke, though, and it's the first time anyone has ever made that remark so well done to everyone involved.
No, what it actually means is that we're going to have to sit here in awkward silence while I call over a supervisor to go and get another packet of Quorn bacon.
Do you know what is free, though? My instant hatred.
No, we don't have a vegan alternative
It's a rib-eye steak, madam.
This is the meat and fish aisle, where we generally stock meat and fish if you can believe that. You have just walked through the vegetable section to ask me this question.
If you want a rib-eye steak, maybe you have chosen the wrong kind of lifestyle.
Shall I tell off your child for you?
Oh no, poor little Olivia wasn't allowed to have the Peppa Pig chocolate lolly.
Thankfully, Olivia has a plan. She's going to scream and cry for an hour until you give in and almost ram that lolly up her nose.
If you don't do it, I will. Shut up, Olivia.
I'm only going to pretend to look in the back
Honestly, the only reason any retail worker agrees to go and 'look in the back" is so they can go to the store room and text their friends about the annoying customer that just asked them to go and look in the back.
Have you ever seen a supermarket store room? I'm more likely to find Oz than I am to find your soy alternative to a Gillette razor.
If you mess up my display I'll hurt you
Ah finally, I've restocked the organic drinking coconuts (seriously, these exist now) and the display looks amazing.
But, oh wait, here comes organic Penelope and her three children, Marmaduke, Tofu and Lentil, and, of course, they all want a drinking coconut.
But they don't just want a coconut, they want to look at every single coconut while moving the entire display around until it looks like Picasso painted it with his eyes closed.
We can spot a 'savvy' shopper a mile off
Mainly because they swarm around whatever poor sod has a reduced price gun in their hand, clamouring to get their paws on a tray of stale doughnuts, 78 nearly out of date yoghurts, and 10 packs of dodgy looking metallic bacon.
I have no idea what you're talking about
True story, a lady at my checkout once invited me to go and see her husband's new play, while describing the plot in front of 10 other people who were just trying to buy their basics fish pie and go home.
Honestly, madam, I'm about as likely to see this play as you are to getting a free Nectar points voucher.
We have to ask you if you want help with packing
Its not that we think you are incompetent (we save those thoughts for most self service checkout users) – it's store policy that we have to ask.
Do us a favour and politely decline, though, yeah?
We know you know what 10 items or less means
No it's not okay for you to bring your entire monthly shop through my basket-only till, the sign is there for a reason, people. You aren't special.
Never ask me if my shift is over soon
If my shift was over soon I'd be smiling
No, it's not.
In fact, you just saw me arrive at the till and tell the person on there that it's shift swap time.
Why would I say that if it wasn't that I had just started? I'm going to be here for another eight hours you cretin.
You couldn't be more single if you tried
So you want to buy one ready meal, four cans of John Smiths, a copy of Die Hard and some tissues.
I wonder what your social life is like.
I see you have your evening planned
Generally around Valentine's Day, you'll get hundreds of men coming in with exactly the same shopping list.
The cheapest flowers possible (preferably red ones), a card, some chocolate, a cheap bottle of Prosecco and some condoms. Delightful.
She is in for a real treat, you old romantic.
Never say 'Oh actually, I've got the 3p'
You're not being helpful because it complicates everything. Once we've put in the till what you've given us, you can't give us extra because that would mean calculating in our heads what change to give you back.
Have you ever tried doing maths after a mind-numbing day of scanning produce, lady? HAVE YOU? It just can't be done.
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My manager doesn't care either
Oh no, the green pepper you picked up has a slight bruise on it. Well, in that case, put it back and pick up another one.
Don't come over to me with your pepper and inform me that it's bruised, because I have never cared about anything less in my life.
In fact, feel free to tell my manager because I guarantee they will look at you like the moron that you are.
I hate you
Pretty self-explanatory, this one.
Just don't be a terrible customer and we will continue to pretend to put up with you.